


Haunted By Our Sins

by Nihonkikuasa211



Category: Code Black (TV)
Genre: Angst, Guilt, Major Spoilers, Tag to 1x15, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-02-07
Updated: 2016-02-07
Packaged: 2018-05-18 16:38:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,423
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5935372
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nihonkikuasa211/pseuds/Nihonkikuasa211
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Angus thinks about what happened after 1x15.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Haunted By Our Sins

_Haunted By Our Sins_

           

 

             The blood would never go away. Angus could still see the blood on his hands, staining his skin. Perhaps he could have saved the man’s life. Perhaps he wouldn’t feel the breath-crushing guilt that he felt at　thought of Malaya. _“You don’t tell your best friend. Not your shrink.”_ Mike’s words echoed in Angus’ ears as the sweat continued to trail down his chest. _“We take this to our graves.”_ But then, _“Bitch. I want to kill that bitch.”_ Angus remembered of how his hands had let go, allowing the blood to pool and drip onto the ground. He had let the man who had almost killed Malaya bleed. Bleed as the man begged the resident to save him. Angus had held him down as the stalker tried to fight, kicking the knife away as the man continued to struggle. _He said that about Malaya. He said that about her, and I..._

Angus wasn’t certain how to feel. He remembered of how he had comforted his first friend in the hospital, telling her that it was over now. Gordon was dead. The resident hadn’t told her the truth. Angus was certain she wouldn’t be able to look at him in the eye if she knew. Just like of how he felt about himself. The light brown-haired resident had never thought he would feel so angry – and yet so calmly release his hands on a dying man. The vicious words he had heard coming from the man’s mouth had caused Angus’ heart to recoil in horror, and anger. So much anger. But instead of stabbing him, as the resident as instinctively wanted to do, Angus had instead released the pressure on Gordon’s wound and allowed his red blood to flow from his neck.

            He had broken the rules. It had been such a large rule Angus was certain that he would lose his license and the right to practice medicine ever again if anyone knew. But no one would believe him. He was the kind and gentle Angus, who couldn’t stand up to Mario when the thoracotomy went awry. The young doctor – who didn’t feel like a doctor – with confidence issues curtesy of his father had allowed a man to die.

            The blood would never go away. Angus was happy, sincerely happy that Malaya was alive, and mourned the death of Gina Perello – but yet the death of that one man who had almost taken away too much would always haunt him.

            Angus had heard that he would encounter patients and deaths that would haunt him as a doctor. He was certain, very certain, that the death had occurred in an isolated ICU room had not been what his medical school teachers had talked about. It was true – Angus hadn’t killed Gordon, but he might as well have. The man had lost too much blood – blood that Angus didn’t stop from flowing, something that he _never_ thought he would do. _Mario wouldn’t believe it either._

Angus thought back to his friend – his best friend, he supposed. The dark-haired resident had been as devastated as they had been when Gina had died, and the light brown-haired resident had been too caught up in his own thought and guilt that he hadn’t had time to even see Mario when they had left at the end of their shift. Angus thought about his dark-haired friend. The smile that Mario had given to him as Mike explained the difference between the blood of the arteries and veins echoed in his mind. _I never thought I would like his smile as much, but...I really do._ Unlike the others, Angus suspected that Mario would understand. The exasperation and slight irritation Angus was certain that would come from Mario’s voice formed in his mind. The resident didn’t know much, but he suspected that Mario had come from a bad place – a place where people died from gunshot wounds and overdoses rather than old age and heart attacks. He knew so much about street names for drugs and what it was like to be in that kind of physical pain that some patients experienced, that Angus wondered how his friend could have come so far. He wondered what it was like to be in Mario’s mind – wishing that he could heal the pain. Never before had he wished he had decided to study psychiatry instead of emergency medicine before, even though it was laughable that Mario would even see _anyone_ about his problems.

            _I would tell him,_ Angus thought as he heaved himself out of bed and slowly turned on the cold water tap. _I would tell him. But Mike said I shouldn’t._ His hands moved over his pale face, soaking the skin with the cold, freezing water. _Unless he wasn’t talking about Mario...but who else could it be?_

Angus continued to wash his face, relishing the feeling of something so cold on his skin – distracting him of the nightmares that always caused him to sweat and wake with his heart racing. He had seen of how his brother and Dr. Hudson had interacted. They were friends, close enough that Mike had even told him of how the once surgical resident had afraid of Dr. Rorish when the younger so-called protégé had arrived in Angles. The two seemed to have each other’s back, beside the other's side, knowing each other’s thoughts, and perhaps sharing a slightly barbed argument that had no real meaning that happened sometimes. Angus idly wondered if he and Mario would have something like that. It seemed nice, to think that he and Mario could have that kind of friendship. And yet...Angus remembered of how he had told Mario that he had hugged Heather, lasting longer than a normal hug, saying they had a _connection_ , his worry when Mario was so agitated over the patient who had come in with a gunshot wound had had a gunshot wound himself – and remembering of how Mario had laughed so much during the time they first had drinks. _I wanted to get to Mario by talking to him about Heather, but I ended up chasing him away._ And when Mario had smiled, Angus had realized quite slowly that Mario had dimples – he didn’t even notice until later, when he was thinking about his brother coming back to Angels and Dr. Rorish leaving, when the resident thought of how nice Mario’s smile was.

            He had the phone in his hands. Mario’s name flashed on the screen, and Angus stared at it for a moment. _I should tell him._ A harsh swallow went down his throat. _I should tell him._ The phone began to rang as Angus put the small electronic to his ear, trying to control his breathing. _I don’t really know what I want,_ the first-year resident thought. _For some reason a part of me wants Mario and I to be different from Mike and Dr. Hudson. Not like_ that _...but..._

_Something else. Something closer._

Angus breathed deeply, trying to find his breath as the dial continued to ring. A moment of panic surged inside him as he thought he heard the dial stop ringing. He pressed _“end”_ and held the phone in his hands so hard he thought it would break.

            The once child who had wanted to become a doctor so his father would actually love him and so his brother would be proud of him, felt the phone fall from his hands. The young resident whose hands were now stained with another’s blood – never coming off and always haunting him, started to remember what had happened during that day.

            The blood and chaos burned and destroyed his mind until Angus slid onto the floor. The sight of Gordon bleeding and dying as he pleaded for someone to _help_ him burned in the young resident’s mind, causing a lump to appear in his throat as he fought the urge to vomit. Then, Gordon’s face morphed into Mario’s the beard disappearing and the face appearing younger, the dark brown eyes so dark they looked back _pleading_ as Angus allowed the blood to soak onto the ground.

            Until there was nothing left but a body with a puddle of blood near the neck, the dead eyes boring into Angus own as the living resident began to scream.

            The illusion faded, a shaking young man left of what was a horrific living nightmare. Angus touched his face, pale and shaking, his hands erratic and shaking as a moan tore from his lips.

             He started to sob.


End file.
